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What sex is your computer? ICQ Bill buys a house
Nerds not allowed Country Folk Cup Holder?
Dictionary Win 2000 Messages The Microsoft Car!
For those using Word 97 here is a little something for you to try.
1. Start up Word 97
2. Select Tools, Language, Set Language - then
change to English (US)
3. Type in the phrase, "I'd like to bash Bill
Gates"
4. Select the entire phrase and choose Tools,
Language, Theasaurus -
then look at the suggested replacement
phrase.
What
sex is your computer?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
AND NOW for the question of the day---is
your computer 'male' or
female'?
You decide!
AS YOU are aware, ships have long been
characterised as being female
(eg., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists
(all male) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for
drawing this conclusion follow:
* No one but the Creator understands their
internal logic.
* The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
* The message "Bad command or file name"
is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to
tell you."
* Even your smallest mistakes are stored
in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
* As soon as you make a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
HOWEVER, another group of computer scientists
(all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons
follow:
* They have a lot of data, but are still
clueless.
* They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they
ARE the problem.
* As soon as you commit to one you realise
that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.
* In order to get their attention, they
have to be turned on.
* Big power surges knock them out for the
rest of the night.
What
if Dr. Suess did technical support writing?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's and easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And if the bus is interrupted as a very last
resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy
disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to
report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a
dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window
in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't
hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's
gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a share, sir!
We'll find you
Another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your
house,
Says the network is connected to the button on
your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down
the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects
of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a
souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna
hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy
on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unecessary
risk,
Then you have to glash your memory and you'll
want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to
tell your mom!
You
know you are addicted to ICQ if...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
You see psychedelic flowers when you close your eyes to go to sleep.
Before you have a conversation with someone, you
kindly ask them if they'd
like to accept a chat request.
You consider sleeping your "N/A" mode.
You hear little voices in your head constantly saying "uh-oh".
You have over 500 buddies on your contact list.
You've had long conversations with all 500 of those buddies.
You begin to think names like "Tom" and "Jane"
are strange, but names like
"Snakeman" and "Tigger" are common.
Your friend introduces you to a new person, and
you immediately ask them if you
can add them to your "contact list".
Since downloading ICQ, you've learned to speak
7 new languages, including Ukranian
and the dialect of a small native community in
Peru.
To you, ICQ isn't just a program, it's a "gift to mankind".
Your idea of a "wild time" is inviting all of your online friends into one giant chatroom.
The last time you signed off ICQ was during the George Bush administration.
Every time a new version or update of ICQ is released, you have your own celebration party, complete with cake, party favors, and champagne.
Your dog leaves you due to lack of attention,
despite your efforts to appease
him by giving him his own ICQ number.
Your one pride in life has become your immense
contact list, and you ask all your
friends to send over their contacts to make it
even bigger.
You name your first child "Mirabilis" and tell
all your friends that it was because
you "liked how it sounded".
You have carefully allotted your time during work/school
lunch breaks: 32 minutes
to check and respond to ICQ messages, 3 minutes
to eat.
Your spouse is insanely jealous of the computer
and refers to it only as your "sugar daddy".
Bill buys
a house...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option.
Calls are free for
the first 90 days and \$75 a call thereafter.
Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living
room. We think its a
little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made
to have it out by the
release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture
in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You
can purchase a new, larger
living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice
as much furniture into the
room. By stacking it, of course, you put the
entertainment center on the
couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You
leave an empty spot, so
when you want to use some furniture you can unstack
what you need and
then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second
issue is the light
fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us
from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't
plug and play. You'll
have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes
are round, not rectangular.
How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the
electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem.
Sometimes, when I have
guests over, someone will flush the toilet and
it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't
work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem.
One fixture is failing
to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing
access from other
fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all
need to exit the house,
turn off the water at the street, turn it back
on, reenter the house and
then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product
are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh,
Nerds not Allowed
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load
of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign
on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in
and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells
kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says
he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses,
a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at
least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out
a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he
said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back
in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid
an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers
spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal
his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his
gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway
patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him
to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't
bait 'em."
Country Folk
------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry
too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS
MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer
the rifle when yore wife asks
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
So you
think you're computer Iliterate?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street
Journal article by
Jim Carlton --
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press
Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking
where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining
that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from
a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files
from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed
to diagnose the
problem, it was found that the customer labeled
the diskettes then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy
of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived
from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put
his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer
asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting
up and crossing the
room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't
get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece
of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a
new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah,
I got me a couple of
friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store,
the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me
to find a couple of
geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that
his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up
his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then
removing all the keys and
washing them individually.
A Dell technician received a call from a customer
who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad
and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and
"invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support
couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring
the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when
she pushed the power
button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and
nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
to be the computer's
mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to
say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked
the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
to happen. When
asked what happened when she pressed the power
switch, she asked "What
power switch?"
Cup holder?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and
I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped,
it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know
anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this
point the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.
The caller had been using
the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and snapped it off
the drive.
Dictionary.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art
computer to
become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee,
three times faster than
the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond
ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store
and saying "Hi, I want to
buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by
computer salesmen,
especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling
your Jolt cola on it.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer
errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer
errors easier to
generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing
a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force
businessmen to work at
home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any
critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from
DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL
of your software.
Win 2000 messages
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
The Microsoft
Car!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving \$25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Mouse Balls.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest
of us may find it rather funny.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.