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The Class of '98 The Crucifix God Always Answers Prayer The Bridge
Fun Things to do During Boring Sermons The Power of Prayer A Simple Prayer
15 Best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk! A Short Poem
Be happy the way you are. Fisherman You can't hide the Truth!
Hole in One! Church Bulletin Bloopers Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?
Golf
I had a bad day.
God will save me!
If Noah lived now
The Class
of '98
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This is for the Class of 1998
We were born in 1979/1980. People were still getting over Vietnam and Disco had swept the country. Dolly Parton had a song called Jolene, and Diana Ross had records, yes those big black Frisbees that were five times the size of a CD, as big as her hair. The Muppets were our heros, and Atari was the game of choice. Pac Man invaded our heads and our parents pockets. We had those bouncy balls that had the handle on the top and you could sit on and bounce all over the place. The Reagan administration came around, but all we cared about were our mini-wheels. Snack time in Kindergarten was cool and the opposite sex still had cooties. We liked to play Candyland and Chutes and Ladders. Tic tac toe was still fashionable to us. Star Wars and their cheap knock-off, the Ewoks, were imiatated all over the nation, ET made us (or at least me) afraid to go into the bathroom. Girls fought over My Little Ponies, Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids. Boys were more into Transformers, He-Man, and GI Joe, not to mention their prized b-b guns with those little rubber pellets -- yeah, they hurt, too. Pretend was always fun too. In first grade we watched as the Challenger lept from the earth only to float back unexpectedly, devastating the nation, and plunging them into a state of mourning. Cuba was the enemy, drugs were becoming big and Iran got on our bad side, as did Oliver North. TV rotted our brains with "Different Strokes," "Silver Spoons," and
TheCosby Show".
Leg warmers, bandanas and spiked hair, consumed us as we listened to Boy George and his Culture Club, Bruce Springstein, Rolling Stones, Madonna, George Michael, Cyndi Lauper, and Michael Jackson.
Pretty soon, hair stopped being spiked and started getting BIG. Chains, and spikes, and jelly bracelets were the rage, and everything was "awesome" or even "rad." People started getting computers like the Apple 2E. Bubble dresses were cool and the youth were following the path of rebellion. Drugs and guns were becoming more and more common, and we watched as the world discovered HIV and AIDS, and an 18 year old boy from Indiana died from a transfusion. We also lived through the Bush administration. Our generation watched the Gulf War, our own small-scale version of Vietnam, come into our living rooms at night with the green night images and the blazing dots across the screen. We watched older brothers and sisters go off to a war that we never thought we'd see, but we made up songs about Saddam Hussein to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.
Bill Clinton became the President taking Al Gore as his VP.
Rolling your jeans and wearing GUESS and ESPRIT clothes made you popular. Skinny people were beautiful and fat people were funny, but everyone was crazy for McDonalds.
We started dating more frequently, searching for the love of our life. Girls in the high schools started getting pregnant and we started getting our licenses. We lived through all the crazy fashion flashbacks, the hair, and the environmental crisis. We got to our senior year and we waited for proms and homecoming and most of all graduation day. We picked up our caps and gowns and all that senior stuff that's supposed to help us remember the good 'ole days, but some of the things that you remember most, can't be put on paper.
That day finally came, and you sat there with all of the friends that you had made over the years. You looked out at your family and deep down you knew that this was a once in a lifetime moment.
It was the last time in your life that all these people would be together in one place. Yeah there would be reunions but there was always the chance that one person wouldn't make it there. You looked back on your time with these people and realized that it was short lived and that it didn't seem as if there was enough time for everything that you wanted to accomplish. Sports, activities, SAT, ACT, and all that good stuff. They called your name, your tassle got turned, and you got a piece of paper that said that you were smart. Then you said good-bye maybe to your town, and that school and your friends. You know that you can go back to visit, but there will be strangers in the halls and it's not the same. It's different, and you're different. But it's not the end.
In fact, everything is just beginning.
---Anonymous
The Crucifix
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God
Always Answers Prayers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When the idea is not right, God says, "No"
No - when the idea is not the best
No - when the idea is absolutely wrong
No - when although it may help you it could create problems for
someone else.
When the time is not right, God says, "Slow"
What a catastrophe it would be
If God answered every prayer at the snap of your fingers.
Do you know what would happen?
God would become your servant, not your master.
Suddenly God would be working for you
Instead of you working for God.
Remember : God's delay is not God's denial
God's timing is perfect
Patience is what we need in prayer
When you are not right, God says, "Grow"
The selfish person must grow in unselfishness
The cautious person must grow in courage
The timid person must grow in confidence
The dominating person must grow in sensitivity
The critical person must grow in tolerance
The negative person must grow in positive attitudes
The pleasure-seeking person must grow in compassion for
suffering people
When everything is all right, God says, "Go"
Then miracles happen
A hopeless alcoholic is set free
A drug addict finds release
A doubter becomes a child in his belief
Diseased tissue responds to treatment, and healing begins
The door to your dream suddenly swings open
And there stands God saying, "Go!"
Fun Things
to do During Boring Sermons
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun Things to do During Boring Sermons
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and
so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead
of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble
that made it to the front.
Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design,
test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the
front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your
shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbors thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
The 15 Best
Things to Say if You Are Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the
last time-management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper.
4. I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm.
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice
yoga?
8. I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP)
that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me go to.
9. Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem.
10.The coffee machine is broken...
11. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
12.Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
13.Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic.
14.I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without my
hands.
15.Amen
The Bridge
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was this turntable bridge which spanned
a large river.
During most of the day, the bridge sat parallel
with the river, allowing
ships to pass freely on both sides. But
at certain times each day a
train would come along and the bridge would be
turned across the river
allowing the trains to cross. A switchman
sat in a small shack on one
side of the river where he operated the controls
to turn the bridge and
lock it into place as the train crossed.
One evening, as the switchman was waiting for
the last train of the day
to come, he looked off into the distance through
the dimming twilight
and caught sight of the train’s light.
He stepped to the controls and
waited until the train was within a prescribed
distance when he was to
turn the bridge into positing. He turned
the bridge, but to his horror,
found that the locking control didn’t work.
If the bridge was not
locked into position securely, it would wobble
back and forth at the
ends when the train comes onto it. This
would cause the train to jump
track and go crashing into the river. This
train was a passenger train
with many people abroad. He left the bridge
turned across the river,
and hurried across the bridge to the other side
of the river where there
was a lever he could use to operate the lock
manually.
He could hear the rumble of the train now.
He took hold of lever and
leaned backward to apply pressure to keep the
mechanism locked. Many
lives depended on this man’s strength.
Then, coming across from the
direction of his control shack he heard a sound
that made his blood run
cold; “Daddy, where are you?” His four-year-old
son was crossing the
bridge to look for him. His first impulse
was to cry out to the child,
“Run, run!” but the train was to close, the tiny
legs would never make
it across the bridge in time. The man almost
lifted the lever to run
and snatch up his son, and carry him to safety,
but he realized he could
not get back to the lever in time. Either
the people on the train or
his little son must die. He took just a
moment to make his decision.
The train sped swiftly and safely on it’s way,
and no one aboard was
award of the tiny, broken body thrown mercilessly
into the river by the
rushing train. nor were they award of the
pitiful figure of a sobbing
man still clinging tightly to the lever long
after the train has
passed. They didn’t see him walking home
more slowly than he had ever
walked, to tell his wife how he had sacrificed
her son.
Now if you can comprehend the feelings, which
went through this man’s
heart, you can understand the feeling of our
Heavenly Father when he
sacrificed His Son to bridge the gap between
us and eternal life.
How does He feel when we speed along through life
without giving a
thought to what was done for us through his Son,
Jesus Christ? Can
there be any wonder that He caused the earth
to tremble and the skies to
darken when His only Son died?
The Power
of Prayer
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A missionary on furlough told this true
story while visiting his home
church in Michigan...
While serving at a small field hospital
in Africa, every two weeks I
traveled by bicycle through the jungle
to a nearby city for supplies.
This was a journey of two days and required
camping overnight at the
halfway point. On one of these journeys,
I arrived in the city where I
planned to collect money from a bank, purchase
medicine and supplies,
and then begin my two-day journey back
to the field hospital.
Upon arrival in the city, I observed two
men fighting; one of whom had
been seriously injured. I treated him for
his injuries and at the same
time witnessed to him of the Lord Jesus
Christ. I then traveled two
days, camping overnight, and arrived home
without incident.
Two weeks later I repeated my journey.
Upon arriving in the city, I
was approached by the young man I had treated.
He told me that he had
known I carried money and medicines. He
said, "Some friends and I
followed you into the jungle, knowing you
would camp overnight. We
planned to kill you and take your money
and drugs. But just as we were
about to move into your camp, we saw that
26-armed guards surrounded
you. "At this I laughed and said that I
was certainly all alone out in
that jungle campsite. The young man pressed
the point, however, and
said, "No sir, I was not the only person
to see the guards. My five
friends also saw them, and we all counted
them. It was because of
those guards that we were afraid and left
you alone."
At this point in the sermon, one of the
men in the congregation jumped
to his feet and interrupted the missionary
and asked if he could tell
him the exact day that this happened. The
missionary told the
congregation the date, and the man who
interrupted told him this
story: "On the night of your incident in
Africa, it was morning here
and I was preparing to go play golf. I
was about to putt when I felt
the urge to pray for you. In fact, the
urging of the Lord was so
strong; I called men in this church to
meet with me here in the
sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of
those men who met with me on
that day stand up?" The men who had met
together that day stood up.
The missionary wasn't concerned with who
they were--he was too busy
counting how many men he saw. There were26.
This story is an incredible example of
how the spirit of the Lord
moves in mysterious ways. If you ever hear
such prodding, go along
with it. Nothing is ever hurt by prayer
except the gates of hell**
I encourage you to forward this to as many
people as you know. If we
all take it to heart, we can turn this
world towards Christ once
again. This story is an incredible example
of how the Spirit of the
Lord moves in mysterious ways. If you ever
hear such prodding, go
along with it.
Gary Leader is a former Colorado State
U forestry grad student-he
sent this story to Jim McFadden, a leader
in CHRISTLIFE, who shares it
with warmest regards to you)
"For God so loved the world that he gave
his one and only Son that
whoever believes in him shall not perish
but have eternal life."
Gospel of John 3:16
===
Laughter is the closest thing to the grace
of God.
-- Karl Barth
A Prayer
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper,
haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish,
or over-indulgent. I'm very thankful
for that.
But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to
get
out of bed. And, from then on,
I'm going to need your help.
AMEN
A Short Poem
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer.
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find.
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
Be happy the
way you are.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above
"You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".
God said: "I didn't recognize you".
Fisherman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think
I am doing now"?
You can't hide
the truth!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father
Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."
A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed
Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute
little Fart!"
Hole in
one!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Church Bulletin
Bloopers!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."
3. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning."
4. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
5. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM.
Please use the back door."
6. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."
7. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment."
8. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience."
9. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
10. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."
11. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will
be discontinued until further notice."
12. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door
at the side entrance."
13. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
14. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in
the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy."
15. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
16. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a
full choir."
17. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good
- Dr. Hargreaves is better."
18. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."
19. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls
on people who are not afflicted with any church."
20. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
21. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir."
Is Hell Endothermic
or Exothermic
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
The student got the only A.
Golf
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
around, we won't bring you next time."
I had a Bad
day
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."
God will
save me!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because
the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD will save
me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said "GOD will save me".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
you stay in the house?"
If Noah lived
now.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened.
"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
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