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Quotes The difference between...
A Test of Love Divorced Barbie? Great Female Comebacks
Some
Good Reasons To Be A Guy... (Slightly edited!)
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Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A 5 day vacation only
requires one
suitcase. Monday night football. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent
shorter. You can
open all your own jars. Old friends don't give a care whether you've
lost
or gained weight. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
When
clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot
of
somebody crying. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff with you
everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your
last name stays put. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. When your
work is
criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You
can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit
for
the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humour in Terms of
Endearment. You never have to clean a toilet. You can be showered and
ready
to go in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone
forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a 3-pack. None of your co-workers has the
power
to make you cry. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. Chocolate
is
just another snack. You can QUIETLY enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
seat. Flowers fix darn near everything. You never have to worry about
other
people's feelings. 3 pairs of shoes is more than enough. You can say
anything and not worry about what people will think. You can whip off
your
shirt on a hot day. You don't have to clean your house if the meter
reader's coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You couldn't
give a
care if anyone notices your new haircut. You can Quietly watch a game
with
your buddy for hours without ever thinking, 'He must be mad at me'.
The
Perfect Man, perfect woman, and Santa
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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their
perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect
couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving
along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them
survived the
accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed
in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such
thing as a perfect man.
Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings
up
another point: women never listen either.
Quotes
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If a man says something in the forrest, and there is no woman there
to hear it, ...is he still wrong?
-- Anonymous
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A
woman already knows.
-- Frederick Ryder
Do you know why the Lord withheld the sense of humor from women? So
that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
-- Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)
When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.When
men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
-- Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let
her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and
make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow
The Lord made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
-- Anonymous
The difference between...
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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item, if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
Men wake up as good looking as when they went to bed., women seem to deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after
that is the beginning of a new argument.
A Test of Love.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform,
and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face
he
didn't, the girl with the rose.
His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida
library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not
with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin.
The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.
In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name,
Miss
Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now
lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and
inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for
service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two
grew
to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling
on
a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a
photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it
wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for
him
to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM
at
the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize
me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel."
So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he
loved, but whose face he'd never seen.
I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:
A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde
hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as
flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green
suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely
forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose.
As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way,
sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer
to
her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell.
She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past
40,
she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump,
her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the
green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as
though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and
yet
so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned
me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was
gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I
did
not hesitate.
My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that
was
to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be
something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a
friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman,
even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my
disappointment.
"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so
glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"
The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what
this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green
suit
who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she
said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you
that
she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She
said it was some kind of test!"
It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.
"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you
are."
Divorced Barbie?
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A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Female Comebacks.
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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Male/Female Chemistry
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Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 +/-
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside
a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent
out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed
with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.