|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
The Scientist and the Poet
A Man Named Bubba
Forrest Gump
General Jokes
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways
from
a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo
and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded
wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia
passed
round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven
people
were taken to hospital for treatment.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An India man who eight months ago decided to spend his life
in a tree
has died. He fell out of it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto
Salaki
passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows
as
a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear
and glue
it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
After a heavy drinking session in W eymouth in August 1990,
51 year
old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off,
he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several
of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When 65-year-old Les Edwards shoveled some coal on to his living-room
fire in January 1985, a sudden explosion rendered him deaf and blind.The
mystery blast was traced to the accidental inclusion of a detonator
in
the coal mix. The National Coal Board admitted negligence.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely
when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was
undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an
unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A 20-year-old man was given a concrete enema by his mischievous
lover. Surgeons had to meticulously remove the cast which, of
course,
formed the shape of a rectum, perfect in every respect except for the
imprint of a ping-pong ball which was apparently used to retain the
enema.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Cinnamon family from Washington were surprised when several
ball-
sized chunks of green ice crashed through their roof and landed on
the
floor beside them. The ice soon melted, giving off a revolting
odour.
The Cinnamons were not happy to later discover that the ice was frozen
human waste from the leaky sewage system of a passenger jet.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused,
Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting
himself. Demonstrating in court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and
died
12 hours later. McGann, however, was acquitted.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Police in France are looking for a man who has been robbing
banks
dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles,
he
was asked by the manager 'Are you serious?', to which he replied
'No,
I am an aubergine', and fired a shot. The man escaped with the
cash
leaving a real aubergine on the counter.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In April 1993, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade
capture in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police
had no trouble following him because he was wearing a pair
of'Light
Gear' trainers, with battery - powered lights that flash when
the heel
is pressed.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
During a 'smash and grab' on a Zurich jeweller in October 1980,
a
thief had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of
rings. The police identified the finger from their fingerprint records
and arrested the thief within a few hours.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Ireland, a man staggered into the emergency room of Belfast
Hospital with a wind-up turtle attached to his testicles, explaining
that his young son had dropped the toy into his bath. "A mechanical
joint connected to his tender bits and jammed solid," a nurse
said.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from
an
empty house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas
supply,
then lit a match so that he could see. Although the house exploded,
he
continued with the job and even returned the next day, only to be
arrested.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A totally wrecked cream-coloured Ford Orion was found at the
bottom
of a 100 foot cliff face near Scarborough in North Yorkshire early
on
the morning of 22nd June. It was thought to have left the road at a
sharp bend between Osgodby and Cayton. There was no sign of the driver,
but a pile of human excrement was found in the driver's seat.
Watermelons
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well,
but
he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon
patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought,
he came up
with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids
show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the
watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids
ran
off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's
sign.
When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed
that no
watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there
are
two!!!"
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid
a passing
farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was
back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should
think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
The Chicken?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment
would
let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced
with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting,
in a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen
helped
the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital
and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology
in
support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum
of
road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants
with
deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize
with
each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
and
successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
value
framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating
an
impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message
and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change
to become
more successful.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the
chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
there
was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing
walking
around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.
GARMENT CENTER CORPORATION: Because today someone else
decided it absolutely needs to be on the other side. But
don't worry, it'll be back and forth several times before
it goes right back to where it started from.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the
same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed
to cross
roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations
with the chicken. And I did not tell the chicken to lie.
The beauty of Alzheimers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old men,who have Alzheimers disease go to the beach for
the day.One decides to get an ice cream and offers to bring
back the other something....the conversation goes like this...
Old man 1 "I'm off to get an ice cream, do you want anything?"
Old man 2 "No, you will forget what I want."
OM1 "No I won't, what would you like?"
OM2 "I will have a vanilla cone then please."
OM1 "Anything else?"
OM2 "No, you'll just forget."
OM1 "No I won't, what else do you want?"
OM2 "OK, I'd like a flake with it please."
OM1 "Anything else?"
OM2 "You'll just forget."
OM1 "No I won't, come on,what else?"
OM2 "OK, I would like hundreds and thousands."
OM1 "So that is a vanilla cone, with a flake and hundreds and
thousands. Right, back in a mo."
So he goes off to the kiosk and returns some minutes later with
a brown paper bag. He opens it and takes out two hamburgers.
The other bloke looks at him and says "You idiot! You forgot
the chips!"
It's a Dog's life!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out
of
here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the
piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can
stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of
the
neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that
all
about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a
doctor."
The Scientist and the Poet
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Scientist and the Poet
There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a
poet,
who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before,
so
naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the
beauty
of the passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't
know so
he could try to figure them out.
Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey,
do you
want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued
looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated
the
scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play
a game?
I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then,
YOU
ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it,
seeing
that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned
down
the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time.
"Look,
I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5.
Them
you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally
stupid.
He readily accepted the offer.
"Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the
Earth
and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about
the
scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed
it to
the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly
said,
"Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright,
what
goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought
about
this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous
calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop,
using his multimedia encyclopaedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains
of
Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly
handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning
back to
the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the
answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his
hand.
A Man named Bubba
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know
everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says
"No
you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I
do!" so
Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone...
and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.
"Tom
Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck!
Tom and
I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss
says "No
you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood
and
drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug
and catch
up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks
"Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and
Bubba
says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton!
You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and
I were
on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!"
and
Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch
up with
the President at a press conference. They work their way through the
crowd
until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and
the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug
and
catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe
it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that
doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba
and
Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do
not
know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and
Bubba's
boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly
to Rome
where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of
people.
They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba
says
"Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people
so I
tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you
a sign
that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits
and
waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope
come
out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds
his
boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and
when his
boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at
Bubba and
says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... I can even
take
the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up
there
with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!
Forrest Gump
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
Saint peter himself meets him at the Pearly Gates. The gates are closed,
however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We
have
heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling
up fast,
and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests
are
fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking
forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore
hope
the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
Saint Peter goes on "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only
three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with
the
letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what
is
God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next
day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter Waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the question over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well,
the
first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks,
that
one's easy; that'd be Today, and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what
I
was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next
one?"
says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about
that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter
says,
"Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds
in a
year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second,
Febuary
second, March second..." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see
where
you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't
quite
what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can
you
tell me God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's
first
name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?!" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's Howard?!" Forrest answers, "It's in the
prayer."
"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?" "You know, the Lord's
Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our father, which art in Heaven, Howard
be
thy name..."