|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
Light Bulbs
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A2: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall
down.
A3: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. That's a software problem.
A2: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q. How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q. How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and
has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number
for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a
technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q. How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change
a
light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it
seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you
have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five
things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.
Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb? A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft
gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q. How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.
Q. How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class,
so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm
and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q. How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.
Q. How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but s/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him
as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q. How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry
standard.
Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out; One to change
the switch; One to bring along the wrong sort of light bulb.
Q: How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept
it."
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A1: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T
on
payment of license fee (binary only).
A2: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A3: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do
it.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to
do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A2: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write
the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb
administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb
at
the same time.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: A tree in a golden forest.
A2: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A3: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A4: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good
the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with
brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A1: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
A2: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to
do
it.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the
other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next
week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
.
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace."
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000001"
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change
a
light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light
bulb
in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that
they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see
in
the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at
the
next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from
the
natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers
beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives,
and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit,
Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit
to
escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from
the
flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of
the
light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps
back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb
is
inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give
it a
surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the
switch.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A2: If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light
bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n
mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and
one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try
and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Rivals
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands,
a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and
an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands
just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think
I'll wait for the cops to show up."
Ouch!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his
other hand...
Blind Pilots
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Lemons
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the
little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter,
or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Lawyer Jokes
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad? Senator.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including
the urn.