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Life Guilty Traffic Controllers Gross! Rich?
Flying Chicken! A Blind Mans Sport Spelling Tool Time
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take
good care of me... They
must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed
me, love me, provide me
with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take
good care of me... I must
be a god!
Florist
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved
his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been
sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered
to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man.
He
had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was
a
bright green ribbon bearing the inscription: =20
BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.
IR5
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir/Madam
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the
government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has
not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best
to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I
am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two)
so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing
than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest,
I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so
bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your
decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding
on my W-4 to cover the \$395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on
an airplane.
Sincerly,
Life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think
I'm doing right now?"
Guilty.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client
is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to
a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for
you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the
person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says
and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all
look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says:
'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return
a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces
a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had
some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative:
"Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Traffic
Controllers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?
------------------------------------------------
November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy
pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually
done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained,
"Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth."
------------------------------------------------
November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing
out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United
586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA fortakeoff before United had a chance
to object to the impersonation.
------------------------------------------------
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an
exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed
just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right
at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway
101 back to the airport."
------------------------------------------------
November 1, 1996 - Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second
officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was
strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at
Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a
dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
------------------------------------------------
October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right
about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners
in order to land at Kansas City...
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.
"Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
"Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well...
I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle,
though."
------------------------------------------------
September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for
takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
------------------------------------------------
June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control:
"United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!
Gross!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and
these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Rich?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation
from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions
called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out
of a yearly income of at least \$500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer
mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also
show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills
that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way
rep mumbled, "Um...no." "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer
out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died
in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely
beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off
once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any
to you?"
Flying Chicken!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements
were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped
the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back of the cabin.
Horrified, the Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists
for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."
A blind mans
Sport!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
Spelling.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of spelling, here's a news bulletin ........
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."
During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
Tool time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension
bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire,
and rounds them off.
Prison
Vs Work.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to payfor it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open
all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.