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Our Finest minds? Signs of Life. Mottos to live by.
Facts of Life Thoughts More Signs
- + - = + Tramping Bart Simpson
Top 50 Oxymorons. Bathroom Humour Health Warnings
Kids!
Creative ways to say someone is stupid
These are actual bumper stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
If.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
2. If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?
3. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
4. Why can't they use the material from the 'little black box' for
the entire plane?
5. Why do you need a driver's license to buy beer if you can't drink
and drive?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
8. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
9. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
11. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
24. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Things to think
about.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
-It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has
deteriorated.
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems
longer.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
- Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
- Common Sense Isn't.
- Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
- It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others.
- A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
- The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
- War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
our finest
minds?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(sorry 'bout the shouting -nadliwog)
SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT
PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Brooke Shields
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO
PRESERVE DISORDER."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE
THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
- Andrew Mathis
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET
I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD
CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON,
BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR
PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK,
UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO
REAL MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY
FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED
NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR
THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE
IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN
THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A
MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line
"a
mind is a terrible thing to waste."
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER
WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Signs of Life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action
On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the dog
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one
just left
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be"
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte"
Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can
eat any place they want
Music Library: Bach in a minuet
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait
General Conference: Welcome! We're generally in conference.
Medic!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce.
- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to
Los Angeles.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job
as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family
in no distress.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Motto's to live
by.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
**To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Guests who kill talk show hosts .. On the last Geraldo.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists+they don't expect it back.
2.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The facts of
Life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.
Thoughts
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes
it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.
More Signs
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -.25 CENTS
DO-IT-YOURSELF.
In a laundry, on each washing machine: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
In a London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE BY THIS DOOR.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use the side
door)
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH; IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,
OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME.
In a cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE
THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
In a health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
In a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
In a hotel during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT BE AWARE THAT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on
the door -- the bell doesn't work)
In an office building washroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
FLOOR BELOW.
- + - = +
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be
absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Tramping
------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are actual comments left on Forest Service
registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers
completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there
a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs
to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors
to
wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are
more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that
go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can
hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Bart Simpson.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are the collected writings of the Simpsons from the chalkboard
exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits.
*I will not carve gods.
*I will not spank others.
*I will not aim for the head.
*I will not barf unless I'm sick
*I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
*I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
*I will not conduct my own fire drills.
*Funny noises are not funny.
*I will not snap bras.
*I will not fake seizures.
*This punishment is not boring and pointless.
*My name is not Dr. Death.
*I will not defame New Orleans.
*I will not prescribe medication.
*I will not bury the new kid.
*I will not teach others to fly.
*I will not bring sheep to class.
*A burp is not an answer.
*Teacher is not a leper.
*Coffee is not for kids.
*I will not eat things for money.
*I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
*The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
*I will not call the principal "spud head".
*Goldfish don't bounce.
*Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
*No one is interested in my underpants.
*I will not sell miracle cures.
*I will return the seeing-eye dog.
*I do not have diplomatic immunity.
*I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
*I will never win an emmy.
*The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
*All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
*I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
*I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
*My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
*I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
*I am not deliciously saucy.
*Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
*The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
*I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
*There are plenty of businesses like show business.
*Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
*I will not waste chalk.
*I will not skateboard in the halls.
*I will not instigate revolution.
*I will not draw naked ladies in class.
*I did not see Elvis.
*I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
*Garlic gum is not funny.
*They are laughing at me, not with me.
*I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
*I will not encourage others to fly.
*I will not fake my way through life.
*Tar is not a plaything.
*I will not Xerox my butt.
*It's potato, not potatoe.
*I will not trade pants with others.
*I am not a 32 year old woman.
*I will not do that thing with my tongue.
*I will not drive the principal's car.
*I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
*I will not sell school property.
*I will not burp in class.
*I will not cut corners.
*I will not get very far with this attitude.
*I will not belch the National Anthem.
*I will not sell land in Florida.
*I will not grease the monkey bars.
*I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
*I will not do anything bad ever again.
*I will not show off.
*I will not sleep through my education.
*I am not a dentist.
*Spitwads are not free speech.
*Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
*High explosives and school don't mix.
*I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
*I will not squeak chalk.
*I will finish what I sta
*"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
*Underwear should be worn on the inside.
*The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
*I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Top 50 Oxymorons
------------------------------------------------------------------------
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXYMORON:
1. Microsoft Works
Bathroom Humour.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Deep thoughts written on bathroom walls)
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. -- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away. -- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. -- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -- Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" -- Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
To do is to be. - Descartes; To be is to do. - Voltaire; Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra. -- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. -- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! -- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
God is dead. - Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. - God. -- The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -- Revolution Books. New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! -- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less -- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Pheonix, AZ.
You're too good for him. -- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone. -- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.
Health Warnings.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
Kids!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older.
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier
and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Creative
ways to say someone is stupid
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
About as sharp as a marble.
A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
He only has one oar in the water.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all her Cornflakes in one box.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.