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Bumper Stickers A Great cup of Tea Top Tips 50 Actual Newspaper headlines
The Value of Roof Preading Today's Stock Market report
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.
-- Unknown
I think it would be a good idea.
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought
of Western civilization
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom
meaningless by
not committing them?
-- Jules Feiffer
The only reason that stops God from sending another
flood is that the
first one was useless.
-- Nicholas Chamfort
Whatever their other contribution to our society,
lawyers could be an
important source of protein.
-- A cartoon caption
Life is what happens while you are making other
plans.
-- John Lennon
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope
with drugs.
-- Lily Tomlin
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves
your midsection
unprotected.
-- Robert Orben
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all
four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
-- Alex Levine
The trouble with heart disease is that the first
symptom is often hard
to deal with: sudden death.
-- Michael Phelps
I have an intense desire to return to the womb.
Anybody's.
-- Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for
a date on Saturday
night.
-- Woody Allen
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from
another.
-- H.L.Mencken
I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
-- Tom McGuane
It's better to be wanted for murder than not to
be wanted at all.
-- Marty Winch
Woman was second God's mistake.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime
and lots of happy fat
women.
-- Nicole Hollander
One reason people get divorced is that they run
out of gift ideas.
-- Robert Byrne
Great Predictions...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up
in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it.
Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid
for." - England manager Graham
Taylor before the 1992 European championships.
England didn't win a game.
"I have always found strangers sexy." -
Hugh Grant, six months before he was
arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." -
MGM memo after first showing
of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else
get married." - Modelling
agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax".
"The aeroplane is
scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president
Lord Kelvin,
1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel."
- MGM executive,
advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance
a little." - A film
company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen
test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will
never work." - Professor
of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown
Frank Whittle's plan for
the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain
by 1991." - World
Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated
by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke
of Edinburgh in Canada,
1965. They went on to produce a string of No
1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak
as an expert in
explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy
in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New
York Evening Sun, April
15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
- Radio Times
editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
- director of the
US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away
from it all, safaris
in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting
popular holidays for the late
1960s.
Some
Time Honoured Truths
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realise you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Today's
Stock Market Reports
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost
a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their
slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain
unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge
the market.
Continuing the Stock Market report:
Kite sales hit an all time high.
Fish sales were flounding.
Yoyos continue their cycling up and down.
Yachts were all wet.
Playground equipment went on a slide.
Ice machines were frozen solid.
Paper shredders were tearing up the market.
Fencing was having a field day.
Windows were breaking all records.
Javelin sales had missed the mark.
Hunting equipment is being scoped out.
Gravel futures are bumping along.
Airplanes have gone sky high.
Parachutes seem to be drifting.
Frog legs took a jump.
Medical supplies had a microscopic increase.
Telescopes have a far reaching plan.
Jazz sales are swinging right along.
Cannons balls are simply expoding.
Diamonds are experiencing a hard market.
Rubber band sales are tight.
Suspenders have had nothing happening.
Mouse sales have been squeeking by.
Printer sales seem to have a good margin.
Games have been spinning wildly.
Books have just about recovered..
Running shorts are now on track.
Seat belt sales have been constricted.
Building supplies are going up.
Glues are just holding their own.
Candy futures are looking sweet.
Valium sales are depressed.
Steering wheels have turned the corner.
Kitchen wears are really cooking.
Spatulas are experiencing a big turn over.
Warning: the bubble in gum sales is going to
collapse suddenly.
Hydraulic jacks are slowing going up.
Polish Sausages have experienced a dog eat dog
reality lately.
Banks are underfunded.
Bed sheets are selling short.
There is but brief news on boxer shorts.
Clock sales are ticking along nicely.
Railroads are now on track.
Golf carts are about par right now.
Sand paper is having a rough time.
Nails are taking a real hammering.
Bolts are slipping but nuts are making a big
turn around.
Bridges have been drawing interest lately.
Soap has been slipping badly, and shampoo is
down a hair.
Lightbulb sales are dimming badly.
Springs are bouncing back.
Cracker sales are crumbling.
The news on energy is just shocking.
Dryers are spinning out of control.
Wash machines are just going through their cycles.
Exercise equipment sellers are sweating right
now.
Home scales are having a heavy resurgence.
The profits on foods are being eaten away.
Medical supplies does not look healthy.
Bricks are holding up nicely.
Ladders are beginning to lean now.
Card board boxes are packing it in.
Electric fan sales are breezing by.
Tractors are ploughing right along
Stupid quotes
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.
The writers were
looking for people to submit quotes from
their real-life Dilbert-type
managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees
will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks. (This
was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft
Corporation in Redmond,
WA)
2. What I need is a list
of specific unknown problems we will
encounter.
(Lykes Lines
Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta
guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming
intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be
used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric
Boat Company)
5. This project is so
important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg.
Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is
no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No
one will believe you solved this problem
in one day! We've been working
on it for months. Now, go act busy
for a few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining &
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the
entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections. She
claims the disk I gave her was
damaged and she couldn't edit it.
The disk I gave her was
write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss:
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away
and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told
my boss, he said she died so that I would have to
miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could
change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication
is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a
memo from senior management saying, "This
is to inform you that a memo will be issued
today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me
to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on.
I asked him if tomorrow would be
soon enough. He said, "If I wanted
it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New
Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
13. As director of communications,
I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs
and materials. In the body of
the memo one of the sentences mentioned
the "pedagogical approach" used
by one of the training manuals. The
day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into
the HR Director's office, and was
told that the executive VP wanted me out
of the building by lunch. When
I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't
stand for "perverts"
(pedophiles?) working in her company.
Finally he showed me her copy of
the memo, with her demand that I be fired,
with the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR Manager was
fairly reasonable, and once he
looked the word up in his dictionary and
made a copy of the definition
to send to my boss, he told me not to worry.
He would take care of it.
Two days later a memo to the entire staff
came out, directing us that no
words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month later,
I resigned. In accordance with
company policy, I created my resignation
letter by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper. (Taco
Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing
paragraph of a nationally-circulated
memo from a large communications company:
"Lucent Technologies is
endeavorily determined to promote constant
attention on current
procedures of transacting business focusing
emphasis on innovative ways
to better, if not supercede, the expectations
of quality!""
50
Actual Newspaper Headlines
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.
Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9.
Stud Tires Out
10.
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12.
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.
Eye Drops off Shelf
16.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.
Drunken Drivers Paid \$1000 in `84
30.
War Dims Hope for Peace
31.
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32.
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.
Deer Kill 17,000
36.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40.
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44.
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50.
Air Head Fired
A
Great Cup of Tea
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin
for June, 1998
Have you noticed that children sometimes try
to be helpful, but it makes
your life more complicated?
I heard a story about a mother who was sick with
the flu. Her darling
daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed
the pillows and brought a
magazine for her mother to read. And then she
showed up with a cup of tea.
Why, "your such a sweetheart," the mother said
as she drank the tea. "I
didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the
tea leaves in the water like
you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained
it into a cup. But I couldn't
find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom.
I didn't use the new
flyswatter. I used the old one."
Thanks to Horace G. Francis
Bumper Stickers
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Your kid may be an honors student, but
you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use
birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using
your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain
of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times
I let her sleep.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the
food chain to be a vegetarian.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer
men act it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a
limited inventory.
Give me ambiguity or give me something
else.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make
a better idiot.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose
your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those
who can count & those who can't.
Caution: I drive like you do.
(MARTHA
STEWART) TOP TIPS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't
know.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages
as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the
pages can later be used
for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat
of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot
by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering
wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the
passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive
car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up
to your ear and occasionally
swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
DRILL a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator
door. This will allow
you to check that the light goes off when the
door is closed.
SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination.
Invariably passers-by
will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby
on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights
in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two
bottles of dishwashing liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your
shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid
tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me
to lose 12 pounds in only 2
days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such
as a Stanley knife, or bread
knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably
tend to turn whilst
in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car
up, removing the wheels and
locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by
striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion
reveals the source of the
escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield
wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage
and ask them to fix your turn
signals for you so that other motorists know
where the hell you're going.
SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of
encyclopedias next time you go
for a drive in your car. That way you will
be able to see out of the
front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them
up and keeping them in
the garage.
TAKE your trashcan to the supermarket with you
so that you can see which
items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men
by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the
light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar
on clothes at a charity
shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another
charity shop. This way
you can give twice as much, at half the cost.
I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking
tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade
is a much cheaper alternative,
but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping
them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in
an amusing manner.
IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't
panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey
presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing
vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant
by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit
to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a
dog turd into the bath.
INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching
all their lights on
when their guide dog isn't looking.
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming
pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two
bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS. Tell your
guards to shoot
James Bond in the head at the first opportunity.
Under no circumstances
give him a guided tour of your base, or leave
him in the custody
of attractive women in bikinis.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always
take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews
for office jobs. This
would save your potential employer the expense
of having to make a name
plaque for your desk, and therefore increase
your chances of getting the
job.
The
Value of Roof Preading
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside
down. (Printed
on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product
will be hot after
heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive
car or operate
machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS -
For indoor or
outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions:
open
packet, eat nuts.
Famous
Last Words
------------------------------------------------------------------------
* This will be a short meeting
* You can put it together yourself in five minutes
* One slice of pizza won't blow my diet
* You'll housebreak him in no time at all
* They'll feel terrific once you break them in
* We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere
* When it sez "empty" there's always a gallon or two left
* If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be a Traffic Cop
* You can make it -- that truck isn't coming all that fast
* Of course bring the kids
* That's not poison oak
>
* I don't burn, I tan
* Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you
* Your table will be ready in 5 minutes
* Of course they're mushrooms, toadstools come to a point
* No trouble at all, don't give it a second thought
* We service what we sell
* Believe me, nobody's dressing up